With less than one month before the opening of NFL training camps, the New England Patriots’ new head coach and general manager, Barack Obama, continues to shake up the organization at a dizzying pace.

               Promising hope and change when he took over the team’s operations in January, and pledging not to raise ticket prices for 95% of the seats in Gillette Stadium, Obama has become not only the darling of the New England news media, but of fans of all of the other NFL teams as well.

               “As you know, because of the incompetence of Bill Belichick and his unpopularity around the rest of the league, I inherited a mess,” Obama said, referring to the team’s dismal 11-5 record last season, and their appearance in only 4 of the last 8 Super Bowls.

               In order to stimulate the Patriots’ offense, Obama has discarded quarterback Tom Brady, and signed free-agent quarterback Joe Namath to an unprecedented 10-year, $50 billion contract.

               “Everybody loves Joe,” Obama explained, citing the veteran quarterback’s years of experience in the NFL. “Plus, a lot of teams thought Tom Brady was arrogant. I want to send a message to the other teams in the league that we apologize for kicking their butts during the past several seasons.”

               In another step to soothe relations with the NFL’s other franchises, Obama has proposed that the league adopt rules to prohibit players weighing over 200 pounds or who run the 40 in less than 5 seconds.

               “I understand those who protest that some teams have talent that others do not.  And that's why I strongly reaffirm my commitment to seek a league in which no teams have strong or fast athletes. Assalaamu alaykum.” (Which is Arabic for “see what a mess I’ve inherited”.)

               The team’s personnel changes have not been limited to the dismissal of Tom Brady. The Patriots have been spending money on the free agent market at an unprecedented pace, bringing in such high-priced veterans as Brian Bosworth, Bo Jackson, Bo Derek, Derek Jeter, Roger Clemens, and Adam Sandler.

               The Patriots have also revamped their entire offensive line, shelling out over $200 billion to acquire the rights to the leading men from “The Full Monty.”

               With a payroll of over $1 trillion for the upcoming season, some have questioned how Obama can keep his promise not to raise ticket prices for the vast majority of the Patriots’ loyal fans.

               Obama deferred the economic questions to the team’s public relations director, Bill Clinton.

               “I want you to listen to me. I’m not going to say this again: We are not going to raise ticket prices, not a single time, never.”

   Clinton refused comment on the team’s plans to increase parking fees to $200 per vehicle and the price of hot dogs to $50 each, but he praised the team’s new marketing effort, which will use the slogan, “Git mo for your money!” Under the new program, the Patriots will use proceeds from the new tax on stadium toilet paper to give 25 free tickets each game to former Gitmo detainees.

   “We want to show not only the NFL, but the entire uncivilized world how compassionate we are with your money,” Clinton announced proudly. “And you may not know this, but we inherited a mess.”

   In order to help finance the team’s massive spending, Obama directed the sale of $750 billion of Take Any Remaining Patriots (“TARP”) bonds last month. Surprisingly, all of the bonds were purchased by fans of the New York Jets, the Patriots’ biggest rival, a fact that did not concern Obama when questioned during a press conference last week.

                U.S. Capitalism, age 232, passed away Monday morning, June 1, 2009, in Detroit, Michigan.
                Capitalism devoted her entire life to enriching the lives of Americans from all walks of life, and her positive effects were felt all around the world.
                Her passing is currently mourned by all who knew and loved her.  When the effects of her passing are complete, her passing will be mourned by everyone, even by her enemies and harshest critics.
                U.S. Capitalism was born on July 4, 1776 to Liberty, Industriousness, Limited Government, Private Property, and Religious Freedom.  Her life began on the Atlantic coast, but she eventually travelled west across the entire country, residing in all 50 states and the District of Columbia.  She had survived several previous bouts with government intervention and an activist judicial branch, and had been brought back to health on each occasion by American ingenuity and occasional tax cuts.
                The illness that caused her death was precipitated by the federal government’s legislative and regulatory intrusion into the banking and housing markets, which forced banks and other financial institutions into making bad loans to unqualified debtors.  The effects of those bad loans, combined with mismanagement by Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, began a death spiral from which Capitalism would not recover.
                Her life ended when the federal government acquired ownership and control of the General Motors Corporation.
                Preceded in death by Federalism, Checks and Balances, Wisdom, the U.S. Constitution, and Individual Liberty, U.S. Capitalism is survived by NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, and the Associated Press.
                The friends of U.S. Capitalism wish to thank George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Edison, Henry Ford, Ronald Reagan, the United States military, and hard-working Americans of all generations for their nurture and encouragement of U.S. Capitalism during her long life.
                In lieu of flowers, the friends of U.S. Capitalism respectfully request that donations of time, money, and votes be made to defeat all of the forces that led to the death of Capitalism.